Between the Hashmarks: ‘Fart Tax’ Gases DeflateGate In The End

When sports outlets began releasing information that Miller was the target of a fine for flagrant fragrance-sharing, most football fans looked at their sports ticker or social media accounts thinking that once again the NFL had pulled their finger. Although Goodell has been a stinker in the past, this latest tax idea didn’t come from his office. Instead, Denver Broncos players apparently are all in favor of a clean air act in the altitude of the Mile High City and are taxing fellow teammates for abuses of odor control. Go ahead and laugh; it’s hilarious. Although Miller is apparently the most flatulent and highly-fined under this ‘system’, Goodell could repair all damage from the poor inflation of footballs in the recent past if only he had a sense of humor and a way to capture the methane that Miller is producing.

Honestly, I don’t know the molecular weight or PSI of methane gas, but from my limited knowledge of the chemical properties of air, it has to be lighter than good old oxygen alone. Nowhere near the levels of helium (so sit back down Tom Brady), but Goodell could completely change the atmosphere around the league. “Fart Tax” was a trending topic on Twitter on Thursday and the league didn’t jump at the chance to can it, to their benefit. Capturing the attention nationwide could have been great publicity for a league office that has been viewed as mainly full of hot air over a variety of topics in the past 16 months. If you’re in marketing, you may find human gas-passing distasteful or even potty-talk, but you couldn’t get the kind of free air time that this topic has received in 24 hours. Let’s just say – it is priceless.

Too often the topics of discussion within the NFL have been focused on the negative. It isn’t that farting is necessarily positive, but let’s face it – Miller is correct when he says that everyone does it. If you are denying you’re guilty of an occasional air biscuit, excuse me and yourself because I don’t buy it. Why do you think the Thanksgiving games the NFL airs are so popular, anyway? It isn’t because John Madden used to bring out his freakish turkey with more legs than nature could provide. Fans are full, they need something to help them digest the nearly thirty pounds of holiday food they have downed in celebratory fashion and watching football that day has practically become as much of a tradition as betting on whether Grandma is going to bring up her gallbladder surgery at the dinner table.

I applaud Miller for his level of honesty.
NFL/Broncos writer for The Denver Post and former NY Times senior staff editor and Sports Illustrated NBA producer Nicki Jhabvala shared the following (including Von’s statement):

Since I’ve received numerous inquires about the Broncos’ Fart Tax, I’m gonna let Von explain. NFL dieting ain’t easy. pic.twitter.com/OTAAaI8t82

— Nicki Jhabvala (@NickiJhabvala) June 3, 2015

To wrap this up, let’s take a moment to take a big breath and come back down to Earth. We love football and why not enjoy a discussion that gives us a belly-ache of a laugh for a change? Isn’t it refreshing to be talking about this instead of violence, concussion syndrome or rivalries? We can get back to that this fall. I would apologize for my departure from the normal discussions if it weren’t for the fact that, like Miller, I have to be honest. Football players are just human beings like the rest of us. I am not trying to take away any of their star power, but I enjoy a humorous topic as much as the next guy/gal and Denver players set a new record for one of the most ridiculous football stories of 2015. This may be the only time you’ll ever see me thanking the Broncos publicly. After all, I am a die-hard Steelers fan, but it’s hard not to be impressed at the altitude the ‘fart tax’ leveled out at. No one had to contact the EPA. The ionosphere is still intact, as is the ozone layer. It isn’t the end of the world and thank goodness. Now I can go to bed tonight with something to smile about – at least until the tacos kick in.

 

My top-10 list of suspected flatulent NFL players/coaches

1. Joe Flacco – his name just reminds me of flatulence.
2. Tom Brady – perhaps he’s just flat, but we know he’s full of crap.
3. Rex Ryan – the guy just can’t shut up, so we know he has plenty of air.
4. Chris Kluwe – he isn’t afraid to air some dirty laundry (take a bow young man!)
5. Richard Sherman – the very definition of volatile wind-bag.
6. Calvin Johnson – the kid doesn’t get vertical without help.
7. J.J. Watt – his motor gets him to the next level in so many ways.
8. Johnny Manziel – Cleveland wanted to air it out but got an aerobics instructor instead. Eat another Snickers.
9. Bart Scott – he can’t even keep things sealed when TV analysts (like Tom Jackson) pick on the Jets.
10. Lawrence Timmons – you can’t tell me when he puked a little bit on the field in 2014 he didn’t lose a little air out of his shorts. (wink)

One guy who bottles it all in – Dick LeBeau. The only guy who could get “taxed” more by the league than Von Miller – James Harrison.

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